Goblins. This fantastic race of short grumpy-looking dudes have been portrayed in many different ways over the past few years.
In the Tolkien setting, they live underground and multiply like rats, overwhelming any traveler that lurks in the wrong places.
In the Warcraft setting, they make up these crazy contraptions that most of the time simply end-up exploding in their faces.
In the J.K. Rolling setting, they are presented as intelligent and highly sophisticated creatures — they even run the goddamn Gringotts Wizarding Bank!
In the Magic lore, well… let’s say that they’re simply… utterly DUMB. I’m pretty sure they were made this way so we don’t feel bad sacrificing them all the time. Though, what they lack in intellect they make up for with their high enthusiasm for trying new things! Which leads them to painful deaths most of the time... still! Better live fully a short period of time than the other way around, right?
MTG designers and artists have celebrated their brainlessness for years through game mechanics, artworks and flavor texts. It gave me this idea of searching for the funniest and dumbest cards I could find in this realm — art or flavorwise. Here’s the best of my findings. I hope you enjoy!
Dumb and Dumber:
“I love digging. It gives me lots of time to think about how much I love digging.”
A little dynamite makes everything more enjoyable, doesn’t it?
“Grow food in dirt? Save time—eat dirt.”
He’s not gardening for food, he’s just passionate.
Pretending to be inside an invisible box was easy enough for Brug. It was finding the invisible door that caused him problems.
This is just plain stupid. I love it.
When you need to convey that special kind of message.
OK now they’re just messing with me!
With great power comes great risk of getting yourself killed.
I hope this one survives a bit longer than the others. There is some ounce of wisdom under his lovely Eldrazi thing hat.
Squee, The Immortal
“You gotta be pretty smart to live long as me, but not being able to die helps.”
I can’t wait to hear what he’ll come up with after a thousand years of deep reflections.
Great War Leaders:
Skirk Drill Sergent
“I order you to volunteer.”
“Fill the sky with stuff!”
I love the fact that there’s a cucumber in the sky.
Goblin Mountaineer, barely keeps his family fed.
Some simply are sad...
“A good day in Goldmeadow is one in which I don’t spend all evening picking quills out of my backside”
—Calydd, kithkin farmer
That poor farmer that gets shot porcupines right in the bum every day!
Weird and absurd:
Goblin Balloon Brigade
“The enemy is getting too close! Quick! Inflate the toad!”
That’s not something you hear every day.
“Isn’t he on our side?"
“Why’s he spyin’ on us?”
“They said spy, so I spy!”
“As far as I can tell, that frog dangling from the stick serves absolutely no purpose whatsoever.”
I would even say that nothing he’s carrying serves a purpose for that matter!
Best word pun:
Freshly promoted to “first rock,” Zaz was eager to make an impact.
Seriously, look at that smile. That’s a really happy Zaz!
It had to be shown:
It’s a Merfolk Goblin. A Merfolk Goblin goddammit!
Goblin Secret Agent
I know it's from the Unhinged set, but still, that's freaking weird!
That's it folks! There were tons of other good candidates, but it needed to end. I feel like my IQ's been constantly dropping since I began this endeavor. So what did you think? What are some of the best flavor texts you came across in your MTG career?
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